SEX: Let’s Talk About It

Sex–it’s something nearly everyone’s curious about. And let’s be real, this is one of those times we can safely say, “Everyone’s doing it.”

Ok…maybe not EVERYONE, but according to my recent Instagram polls, everyone I personally know is–relationship or not.

But you know what everyone ISN’T doing? Talking about it. So I figured I’d take one for the team, get a little uncomfy (or a lot), and talk about all things sex.

Why I’m Talking About Sex

You might be wondering, “Why the heck is this even a thing?” I feel you. Sex is one of those taboo topics we inherently avoid–like asking someone how much they weigh or how old they are. However, I think that’s incredibly silly and potentially dangerous. Hear me out:

  • The more we talk, the more we learn. And who doesn’t like to learn? Communication = education.
  • If nearly everyone is doing it, that means it’s extremely normal. And if it’s normal, that means we should all feel comfortable about our choices and empowered to make them.
  • When we stifle conversations about topics that are important to our happiness and well-being, like sex, we create a judgmental environment that supports closed-mindedness and secrecy instead of openness and acceptance.
  • Not talking about it doesn’t make it go away. All it really does is leave people wondering: Am I normal? Should I feel weird about this? Is this OK?
  • The less weird we make it, the more enjoyable it is for everyone.

I’m not saying we should go around spilling our most intimate secrets and asking incredibly probing questions (though I tend to do that), I’m merely suggesting we open up a little bit, get comfortable with the uncomfortable, and accept everyone’s individual preferences.

And one more thing, if you’re adult enough to have sex, you’re adult enough to talk about it.

The Basics

How soon after “seeing” someone should you have sex?

The ultimate question: How soon isn’t too soon? The answer? Whenever both consenting adults feel comfortable and ready. That’s really all there is to it. If you meet someone and think to yourself, “Yep, I’d like to sleep with this person,” and they agree (verbally), you’re good to go.

There’s no right time to do it. And you shouldn’t feel bad about your decision, whether it’s 1 day or 1 year in. Or, even if you decide to wait until marriage. Whatever feels right to you is all that counts. And anyone who tells you different is full of it.

What about sex before marriage?

I was raised in 2 households (my parents are divorced). In 1, we talked openly about sex and felt empowered to ask questions/share experiences. In the other, we didn’t talk about sex at all. And if we did, it was approached from a negative light as something we shouldn’t do–not until marriage. Therefore, no questions were asked and no conversations were had. It definitely wasn’t a healthy situation, but I get where they were coming from. From a religious standpoint, sex is reserved for marriage. And that’s fine. If that works for you, more power to you! Nothing wrong with waiting until then.

However, 95% of you said you didn’t wait and wouldn’t wait. The primary reason? Sexual chemistry is crucial to a successful relationship and marriage, so if you don’t know what they’re like in bed, how will you know the chemistry is there? Makes sense. Fair argument.

I’d like to clarify: I’m not suggesting one way is right and the other is wrong. I’m saying this: Whatever feels the most YOU, whatever you’re comfortable with, whatever is safe–that’s what’s right for your situation. And you should feel empowered and proud of that choice.

How much sex are people having?

Ya’ll, this was the questions of questions. How much sex is a “normal” amount of sex to have?

And, as expected, there was no RIGHT answer. To my surprise though, 60% of you said every. single. day. In a relationship or not. That blew me away, because wowza that’s a lot of work. High-five though friends–good for you.

The other 40%? It depended on your relationship status, how long you’d been in that relationship (or single), and what your other priorities are. A lot of my married friends said the amount of sex they had decreased as their relationship went on. Seems completely normal to me. At this point: Anything is normal if it’s your truth.

Bottomline: Have as much or as little sex as you genuinely feel inclined and safe to. If it becomes a problem in the relationship, have an open and respectful conversation about it–find out what’s going on and if there’s anything you can do. And NEVER shame someone into sex when they’re not in the mood–this creates a negative connection between the brain and the body, meaning you’ll now associate negative feelings with the action of sex. AKA: you’ll stop wanting it at all.

Feeling more confident and empowered

Lots of you told me you lack confidence in the bedroom or don’t feel empowered sexually. And I think that’s totally normal. Sex can be an intimidating thing–especially with a new partner. Some of you sent tips my way to share about feeling more confident and sexy. Here they are:

  • Talk, talk, talk. The more you communicate with one another, the more comfortable you’ll feel. Be honest, be open, and listen well.
  • Try something new. Getting out of your comfort zone is the quickest way to spice things up. Plus, if you’re both trying something new, you’ll be in the same boat–being awkward together is always better.
  • Dress up. Splurge on something sexy. If you feel hot, your confidence will skyrocket.
  • Dirty talk. This might not be for everyone, but getting a little dirty might give you the confidence boost you need to feel totally empowered and in control.
  • Play music. Sometimes, all your brain needs is a little bit of noise to get into rhythm. Make a playlist and turn on some tunes.

Exploring in the bedroom

Listen up–everyone’s into different things. Some people like vanilla, some prefer tons of sprinkles, and some fall somewhere in between. And some, believe it or not, don’t KNOW what they like because they’ve never taken time to figure it out. Let’s dive into that a little bit.

I asked the ladies do you take time to get to know your own body and figure out what you like on your own. To my surprise (and excitement) the majority of you said “YES!” HIGH FRICKN’ FIVE GIRLFRIEND! I think this is so so so important because it allows you to better communicate with your partner what you like, don’t like, and might want to try. Feel a bit weird about it? That’s ok. Most people do right away, but the more you explore, the more you’ll realize, “This is kind of fun…” And, the more you’re clear on what you like–the better the sex will be for both of you.

The men weighed in on this topic too, except there wasn’t a clear opinion one way or the other. It seems 50% of the guys are totally okay with their ladies using toys in and out of the bedroom, while the other 50% find it a bit…odd. When I asked why, I found that some guys feel intimidated by the idea of something else besides them giving their partner pleasure. Which on the surface I totally understand, but when you think of sex as something that should be enjoyable for both sides, you’ve got to leave your ego at the door and accept the fact that your partner might need a little help. PS: 75% of women need some extra help. So do yourself a favor and open your mind up to the possibility of a mutually enjoyable experience. Who knows, you might figure out you’re really into it.

Non-Monogamy and Open-Relationships

The majority of romantic relationships involve 2 partners. However, that’s not always the case. Open-relationships are becoming more mainstream. I’m not sure if they’re more popular per se, but I definitely think they’re talked about more openly.

What exactly are they? Here’s a definition I found: Non-monogamy (or nonmonogamy) is an umbrella term for every practice or philosophy of intimate relationship that does not strictly hew to the standards of monogamy, particularly that of having only one person with whom to exchange sex, love, and affection.

Essentially, it’s having more than 1 partner. The key is communicating your rules and expectations BEFORE diving in. And regularly checking in to make sure everyone is on the same page. Open, honesty, and trust.

Most of you said you find the concept interesting but wouldn’t be open to it yourself. However, a few of you were like, “Heck ya, I’ve done it and I’ve loved it.” And a few of you were like, “Absolutely heckn’ not.” Moral of the story? If it’s something you’re interested in, you’re going to have to find the right person, have an honest conversation, and see what works for you both.

Main Takeaways

  • Stay true to yourself. Do what feels most YOU. Never feel pressured to do anything that feels wrong or uncomfortable. If anyone makes you feel ashamed for your choices, they don’t need to be in your life.
  • There is no “right way” to do things. Whatever fits into your life and makes you feel good is what you should do. As long as no one is hurt in the process and consent is always verbalized.
  • You have the right to feel empowered in your choices–whether you choose to have sex or not.
  • CONSENT IS KEY. If a conversation makes you feel uncomfortable, you don’t need to be having sex.
  • Other people’s choices are not your business (unless they impact you directly). Never make someone feel ashamed or embarrassed for what they do.

Positive vibes and much love,
Kails

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